Attracted To Emotionally Unavailable Partners? Here Are 5 Reasons Why (And How To Break The Cycle)

Last Update on October 31, 2023 : Published on December 14, 2021
Attracted To Emotionally Unavailable Partners

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Are you asking yourself, “Why am I always attracted to emotionally unavailable partners?” Well, the answer is quite simple – you keep attracting them on purpose. Stunned? Don’t be. This unhealthy attachment pattern is quite common.

Prepare yourself for some tough love going forward!

You attract what you think you deserve. And often what you think you deserve is because of your previous experiences.

This continuous pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable partners can be exhausting on your mind and social health. Many people believe that they can see “The One” on the first date and if not by the first, then at least by the second.

However, many people are attracted to emotionally unavailable partners. Their detection skills effectively find the partner who will leave them behind and emotionally struggling.

If these few words describe your love life, then let’s take a look at the reasons behind this unhealthy pattern of yours and how you can break this cycle.

Why Am I Attracted To Emotionally Unavailable Partners?

Why Am I Attracted To Emotionally Unavailable Partner

Well to start, many people are afraid of commitment. They not only have a fear of abandonment but also a fear of engulfment. Engulfment is when you overly immerse yourself in your relationship. You might even unconsciously overwhelm not only yourself but your partner enough to scare them off.

Hence, you try to find unavailable partners with whom you can avoid either of these fears. Other causes can stem from your early childhood relationships with your parents or siblings.

Let’s take a look at the 5 most common reasons why you are attracted to emotionally unavailable men.

1. You Had Emotionally Unavailable Parents

We normally don’t like to think this but most of our relationships and attachment patterns are inspired by our childhood experiences. If your parent(s) were emotionally unavailable to you when you were a child, then it’s more likely that you will be attracted to an emotionally unavailable guy.

Subconsciously, people try to fix the hurt they experienced in the past by re-enacting the same pattern they saw when they were a child. More often than not, it’s a method that helps them distract themselves from the old wounds. This does not always work, though.

2. You Are Emotionally Unavailable Too

This will be a tough pill to swallow but bear with me. A reason you’re attracted to an emotionally unavailable partner can be because, somewhere deep down, you’re also emotionally unavailable. Maybe you want a commitment but once you get your wish, you fear intimacy or losing yourself in the relationship.

These unconscious fears, the ones you might not even realize you have, might be stopping you from forming a healthy attachment pattern. As a result of these fears, you feel safe being with someone unavailable as you.

3. You Hope For A Change

You can’t seem to stop yourself from reaching into your past and hoping for a change as you pick the same unavailable partner again and again. But as you enter a relationship, you keep telling yourself that “They’ll change” or “It’ll get better”.

You need to recognize this pattern and break this cycle. Maybe being with an emotionally unavailable partner seems safe, familiar, and comfortable but in the end, it will always bring you pain. You need to take a risk and stop hoping for a change in your partner. Instead, change your choice. Find someone who challenges you – emotionally. It might be uncomfortable in the beginning, but the result will be worth it.

4. You Believe You Don’t Deserve Love

Another reason why you are attracted to emotionally unavailable men or women is that you are willing to settle for less. You believe that your partner is what you deserve but you are wrong. You feel attracted to an emotionally unavailable person because somewhere in your mind and heart, you understand them. You resonate with them.

Remember the law of attraction; positivity will attract positivity and negativity will attract negativity. So, try to become a person who’s self-assured and who practices self-love. Your low self-esteem is causing you to think that you don’t deserve great love, change that! You deserve love and so much more.

5. You Are Afraid Of Being Vulnerable

Are you truly opening your heart to your partner? If you’re in a relationship where you’re not getting what you need, why are you still in this relationship? Are you afraid to leave? Or are you unwilling to share your fears?

Vulnerability is a part of a healthy relationship so you need to face being vulnerable. Maybe you were hurt in the past and that past hurt is stopping you from embracing your vulnerability. To get past this fear, you need to open your heart and mind. Once you start believing in yourself and are willing to share your vulnerability, you’ll find yourself attracting a different person – one who will be as willing to share their vulnerability as you.

Manifestations work with relationships too!

How To Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable People

Break The Unhealthy Pattern

To break this unhealthy attachment pattern, you need to first recognize that you attract emotionally unavailable people because of one of the reasons listed above.

Next, you need to question your motives. What are you seeking in this relationship? Reevaluate what you believe is the “perfect partner” – the one you think you deserve to have. You need to do some deep self-reflection on yourself and your past relationships.

Understand that these unhealthy patterns won’t go away just because you’re aware of them. You need to be ready for a change and this change can be challenging. You need to be ready to open yourself to some hard truths, new experiences, new people.

Thinking “you have not met the right partner yet” is not the solution, either. Maybe you’ve met the right partner but you ignored them because they were emotionally available or vulnerable and that made you push them away.

You deserve to be loved! Feelings such as trust, vulnerability, security might feel uncomfortable in the beginning but you need to stand strong. After being with emotionally unavailable partners, being treated how you are supposed to be can take some time.

Most importantly, practice self-love and self-compassion. If you fear abandonment or engulfment, then you need to counter those fears by assuring yourself that everything’s okay. You need to learn how to be emotionally intimate and that will happen after you embrace your true self.

If you find yourself struggling with accepting yourself, you can always ask for help by reaching out to a therapist or a counselor. 

Book Your Appointment Here

Attraction towards an emotionally unavailable partner commonly stems from your past experiences, low self-esteem, attachment styles, and some hidden fears of abandonment and engulfment. Look inside yourself, learn how to rebuild trust towards yourself, and become a self-assured person.

Never forget that like attracts like; so to attract an emotionally available partner you need to open yourself to emotions, alike.

I hope this article helped explain why you are attracted to emotionally unavailable partners and how you can break the cycle of this unhealthy attachment pattern. For more, you can write to us at or DM us on social media.

Let us know your thoughts in the comments below!

Take Care!

About The Author

Swarnakshi Sharma
Swarnakshi Sharma

Swarnakshi is a content writer at Calm sage, who believes in a healthier lifestyle for mind and body. A fighter and survivor of depression, she strives to reach and help spread awareness on ending the stigma surrounding mental health issues. A spiritual person at heart, she believes in destiny and the power of Self. She is an avid reader and writer and likes to spend her free time baking and learning about world cultures.

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